Archive for April, 2012

Top Billing.

Posted: April 30, 2012 in Blogs, Humor
Tags: ,

When this blog was launched, as in any partnership, we needed to name it and be fair about it as well. Like parents with a new child, we thought long and hard about what to call it. And whose name would go first. You know, who would get top billing.

If only we’d been invited! We heard it was a nice event.

We consulted all the books about naming your blog. Should we call it something from the Bible? – always a safe choice, but old or new testament? Or how about something Gaelic reflecting neither of our birthright cultures? – ah, but bold! We could have named it something with an ambiguous meaning leading every reader to ponder the gender of its authors or the origin of their birth. Hell, for all you know, that is what we did.

We thought about naming it something clever that would instantly convey the towering and imposing intellect of the two authors. Hell again, there might be more than two authors. There could be three  or four of us which is a distinct possibility because Bruce does have a personality disorder. It might even be only one twisted mind doing this. Ahh, we’re just messing with you. There are only two of us.

But, and this is a big but(t), we do both have the same first name. It is a name, though growing up separately, we both hated. Why would our parents name us this? How could we have offended them while still in the womb? There are no appropriate nicknames for Bruce nor should there be. Do not be cute and call either of us Brucie. We are not your cousin nor are we amused. Come to think of it, we hate nicknames as well.

So in our joint misery over the misguided but lovingly given first names, we find ourselves at a loggerhead over who gets top billing. You know, someone will always be slighted by taking the second banana spot. But what is one to do?

This is definitely not the loggerhead we were talking about. Bruce, how did this get in here? What? Oh, they’re loggerhead turtles? See, what I have to put up with.  And an emphatic “No!” to the snarky reader who thinks this is a portrait of Bruce and me.

Ultimately we came up with a diplomatic if imperfect solution and we’d like to share it with you. Your comments on this are always welcome if not necessarily heeded. After all, it’s OUR blog!

Every even number posting will be Bruce’s. Every odd number entry will be the other Bruce, me. We believe this will clear up any confusion over our names. After all, it’s not our fault our parents liked our brothers better! So, just to keep things straight, this posting is Bruce’s; the next one will be mine. Clear?

While we openly admit our preternatural dislike of our first names, we find that most people really like Bruces, as well they should. Go to any astrological chart, dig deep enough and you’ll find the traits that garner the most respect are those associated with a Bruce. You scoff? Possibly, but not for much longer.

The world is undoubtedly a far better place because of Bruce. Not just any Bruce, but all Bruces with the exception of those who might call themselves Brucie Ray, Joe Bob Bruce, John Wayne Brucie, – you know the kind: missing some teeth, dreadful tattoos, and bound to be arrested for some heinous crime against humanity. No, that hardly ever happens with a Bruce.

Bruces are known throughout history for their valor, intelligence, uncommon good looks, impeccable taste in all things cultural and spiritual, kindness, generosity, peacefulness, compassion, and (you can ask any Bruce’s wife about this) their virility. It’s true!

Think about all the Bruces you know or are familiar with. Throughout history and culture, there is usually a Bruce leading the vanguard of the next wave of positive change. You scoff again? Read on doubter!

Here are some of the Bruces that come immediately to mind with just a soupcon of their achievements following. You of course can add your own as you most certainly will.

Bruce Springsteen – just for making New Jersey cool qualifies him for free drinks at the local bar.

Bruce Lee – showed us that Bruces are as tough as the next guy. Maybe even tougher! If you don’t believe this, were he still alive, he’d kick your butt! Get with the program, dude!

Bruce Willis – the uber Bruce, ’nuff said.

Robert the Bruce – Bruce as a pronoun. What could be better? Read your Scottish history, this ain’t school!

Bruce Vilanch – this might be a reach, but he has helped a lot of people in Hollywood so that counts.

Bruce Boxleitner – showed us that in all Bruces, as well as some other men, aging well is a natural. With the exception of the previous mentioned Bruce. we don’t know what happened.

Bruce Campbell – the most famous unknown B-movie actor who shows us that anonymity is its own strength. In keeping with his anonymity, there will be no picture here.

Bruce – the shark in the first “Jaws”movie –  message here: you just don’t mess around with a Bruce.

Bruce Wayne – the Bruce with the most issues including a penchant for latex clothing, but he’s a do-gooder at heart.

Bruce Dern – just on principle. He’s the father of actress Laura Dern, but for the life of us we can’t figure who is more famous.

Lenny Bruce – Made it semi-OK to say F*** almost all the time.

Bruce Hornsby – pianist and sometime Grateful Dead member. That alone qualifies him for the name Bruce.

Bruce McGill – as D-Day from “Animal House”

So reader whose name unfortunately is not Bruce, this is only a partial list. But we hope it gives you a start on the road to new respect for those named Bruce. We do so much for you, all we ask is that you don’t ever call us Brucie. That will make us mad and you don’t want to see us get mad.

Kevin Spacey? How the hell did he get in here? Secretly wants to be a Bruce too.

While we are firmly in favor of free elections (if indeed such a thing exists any longer with the Citizens United vote ruling by the Supremely Incompetent Court), we can’t help believe they really are nothing but beauty contests. There is no swimsuit competition, thankfully, though the humiliation candidates will put themselves through defies description much less an understanding.

The Supremely Incompetent Court.

We, and this means you too, have our choice of “electable” boobs – no, not the kind teenagers and middle-aged men gawk at in the real beauty contests (we like them too), we’re talking about the vaporous kind enhanced by DuPont. Each one of these over-promising and incredibly under-delivering dolts has only thing in common with the rest of their brethren dolts – and that is a towering ego. Is it a compensation problem? Possibly. But the problem is, is that each one of these buffoons has a cast of well-heeled minions willing to lay down their dollars, if not their lives, on the lines to forward asinine agendas. Hey, that sounds like a punk rock group – “Ladies and Gentlemen, please give it up for the Asinine Agendas singing their newest hit song…” – blah, blah, blah.

Have you ever met a candidate running for office in full heat? It’s not’s a pretty thing. Also, if you shake their hand, quickly get an antibiotic injection,  and please, at the very least get some hand sanitizer and use the whole bottle. You don’t want to spread this crap around. These guys have been known to be harmful to pregnant and nursing mothers.

Know that if you vote, and we encourage voting as it perpetuates the concept of a free society, your vote will be counted. By whom?  Hell if we know. When? That’s another good question. These can easily be answered by determining how much you paid to your alderman. Remember, they want to be loved and they also want your vote. One though does not instantly confer the other.

All-purpose voting booth and urinal.

So all of these doofuses, (doofi?) want your vote. They’ll smile at you prettily and answer all your questions before the election. Try and reach them after a major snowfall closes your street. You’ll have a better chance finding them hiking the Appalachian trail.

People’s behavior never ceases to amaze us. Of course, our behavior is perfect and beyond reproach which gives us the right to comment on theirs and perhaps even yours. Glass houses? Feh!  So, we’re going to muse a little about what you’ve been up to. Not you literally, although you might recognize some abhorrent behavior you’re guilty of, but that of people who you would never consider as friends.

Why in hell do people have vanity license plates? Is it because they want to display what they believe is their cleverness? Doubtful – the plates seldom are clever. Sometimes they approach almost cute, but who needs cute? Is it to put one over on the DMV? Oh, come on now! That’s like shooting fish in a barrel or just going for the low-hanging fruit on a terminally diseased fruit tree. The DMV will never be known for hiring the next Stephen Hawking. The literacy rate there explains why Denny’s is so popular. They can go in, not be able to read a menu, but just point to their food selection. Low hanging fruit indeed!

Of those who cherish the low creativity of license plates prose, the best we can determine is that they were sent to high priced boarding schools,  not hugged enough as children, never got the puppy they wanted, and crave all the undeserved attention they can get. But it is, like puns, the bottom rung of creativity and cheap. Pay your extra fee once a year and the laughs ensue all year long. Come on now, again!

Of course, these enlightened individuals don’t realize how identifiable they’ve become. Cops will notice that plate pretty damn fast. So will your spouse if she sees your car at the Pussycat Lounge. We know why you’re there, but try explaining it to your significant other. She is not going to buy it. You had to be cute with the license plate. Smart move buddy!

Why would you ever answer an ad on Craig’s List? Oh, looking for tools? Riiight – let’s face it, the only tool here is you. Hold it… why are you even looking at Craig’s List? Are you looking for the address of the Pussycat Lounge? Some people never learn!

Why in hell do people watch shows like “American Idol”? To feel superior? Low hanging fruit again, friend! There’s plenty of intellectually and artistically challenged people in the political arena. You probably vote for them too! Now we know who watches that damnable show and its’ demon spawn! Want to know why this country is falling behind in literacy rates? No, no, you don’t have to answer that. The fact that you are reading this is an indication of your towering intellect and impeccable good taste.

See? This is what we’re talking about. Excuse me, is that your car with the GR8LVR license plate? Oh, come on now! Did you really do that?! We’re taking you off our list right now!

The State of New Jersey.

What is it about New Jersey that commands such ridicule? Is it the mob life as depicted in The Sopranos or the lesser and incredibly appalling Mob Wives that fuels the national ridicule? Is it the peculiar cuisine defying description? How about its accent? Yes it’s all that but largely it’s New Jersey! Currently, television with it’s Jersey preoccupation is starting to resemble a Jersey mall with all the options that entails. In no particular order, there is the late, lamented Sopranos; Jerseylicious, Cake Boss, Jersey Shore; Glam Fairy; The Real Housewives of New Jersey; Boardwalk Empire; House; Jersey Couture; and really, many more.

It’s there, in the dark, hanging on only by it’s fingertips to the side of New York for dear life, hoping for some glamor and fame to rub off. It’s girls named Dawn, with outrageously teased hair and large jewelry driving around in their Camaros looking for the latest from Hot Topic or whatever else is being hawked at the one of the countless malls in New Jersey. It’s wife-beater shirts being considered appropriate attire for most anywhere, especially the mall.

The State Car of New Jersey.

You have to understand: as soccer is the largest sport in the world, shopping is its equivalent in New Jersey. And as in any sport, there are different levels of proficiency and ability. There are amateurs and there are pros. The amateurs have only a couple of credit cards and none of them are of the gold/platinum/sapphire/unobtainium variety. No, those are for professionals only. (Do not try these shopping stunts at home. You WILL hurt yourself!)

Pros also have charge cards from all the individual stores they stalk. A hugely fat, bulging card wallet is a sure-fire sign of experience, success, (and impending credit default, but that’s for another entry). Shopping in New Jersey reaches Olympic dimensions and should probably have its own event in the summer games. Winter games though might be better because they would involve Christmas and its myriad sales. We’ll bring this up before the committee.

One of the Olympic size shopping stadiums in NJ.

So what do Jerseyans buy? Anything from Pier One for starters, but that’s probably a tie between them and IKEA; all discount electronic and/or appliance stores on major highways with large signs in the windows; and finally anything from a store in Paramus with a “Going Out Of Business” sign on it; don’t laugh, that accounts for at least 25% of all retail businesses in NJ. Incidentally, “Going Out Of Business” is also a major sport in NJ.

What do Jerseyans sound like? It’s a nasal wannabee NYC dialect that sounds like the speaker is chewing gum whether or not they are. Just watch an episode of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” and you’ll get the idea. You”ll also get a preview of how Jerseyans decorate their homes. It’s like the visual equivalent of a nasal dialect that sounds like the speaker…. well, you get the idea.

New Jersey has so much to offer and so much to write about. Trust us to keep you in the loop for all things Jersey.