Posts Tagged ‘License Plates’

People’s behavior never ceases to amaze us. Of course, our behavior is perfect and beyond reproach which gives us the right to comment on theirs and perhaps even yours. Glass houses? Feh!  So, we’re going to muse a little about what you’ve been up to. Not you literally, although you might recognize some abhorrent behavior you’re guilty of, but that of people who you would never consider as friends.

Why in hell do people have vanity license plates? Is it because they want to display what they believe is their cleverness? Doubtful – the plates seldom are clever. Sometimes they approach almost cute, but who needs cute? Is it to put one over on the DMV? Oh, come on now! That’s like shooting fish in a barrel or just going for the low-hanging fruit on a terminally diseased fruit tree. The DMV will never be known for hiring the next Stephen Hawking. The literacy rate there explains why Denny’s is so popular. They can go in, not be able to read a menu, but just point to their food selection. Low hanging fruit indeed!

Of those who cherish the low creativity of license plates prose, the best we can determine is that they were sent to high priced boarding schools,  not hugged enough as children, never got the puppy they wanted, and crave all the undeserved attention they can get. But it is, like puns, the bottom rung of creativity and cheap. Pay your extra fee once a year and the laughs ensue all year long. Come on now, again!

Of course, these enlightened individuals don’t realize how identifiable they’ve become. Cops will notice that plate pretty damn fast. So will your spouse if she sees your car at the Pussycat Lounge. We know why you’re there, but try explaining it to your significant other. She is not going to buy it. You had to be cute with the license plate. Smart move buddy!

Why would you ever answer an ad on Craig’s List? Oh, looking for tools? Riiight – let’s face it, the only tool here is you. Hold it… why are you even looking at Craig’s List? Are you looking for the address of the Pussycat Lounge? Some people never learn!

Why in hell do people watch shows like “American Idol”? To feel superior? Low hanging fruit again, friend! There’s plenty of intellectually and artistically challenged people in the political arena. You probably vote for them too! Now we know who watches that damnable show and its’ demon spawn! Want to know why this country is falling behind in literacy rates? No, no, you don’t have to answer that. The fact that you are reading this is an indication of your towering intellect and impeccable good taste.

See? This is what we’re talking about. Excuse me, is that your car with the GR8LVR license plate? Oh, come on now! Did you really do that?! We’re taking you off our list right now!

If you do any amount of travel or if you notice license plates from other states, you’ll probably see any number of state slogans enticing to you come visit their little piece of heaven. We’ve been to some of these places and let’s get this out right now – some of these are the furthest from the glorious hereafter you could envision. You might want to die when you get there but that would be merciful.  However, we will not identify them, but they know who we’re talking about. Don’t you?

So here is what we’ve seen – and what we suggest they might consider. We offer this free of any charge in the probable misconception that since there was no money exchanged, there can be no liability for performance. In alphabetical order and not of importance such as electoral votes, blue state-red state, we’re color blind. If we offend, we’re sorry. Not really. Oh, and some of these states are a little schizoid, having multiple slogans. Guess it depends if they’re feeling a little frisky. Points are taken off for multiple slogans.

Current slogan – then, suggested New Slogan

Alabama – Stars Fell On; Heart of Dixie; Sweet Home Alabama –  We have a group named after us.

Alaska – North to the Future; The Great Land; The Last Frontier – We got rid of her once…

Arizona – Grand Canyon State –  And you thought Goldwater was nuts!

Arkansas – The Natural State –  At Least We’re Not Mississippi!

California – The Golden State –  Vote for Maria.

Colorado – Colorful – Land of boots and honey’s.

Connecticut – Constitution State – Home of Joe Lieberman. It’s not something we’re proud of,

Delaware – The First State (Small Wonder, Diamond State) – It’s On Your Way.

DC – Nation’s Capital – Hey, you voted for these jokers!

Florida – Sunshine State – It’s early bird special all the time.

Georgia – The Peach State; …On My Mind – Home of the Ray Charles Highway.

Hawaii- Aloha State – Book ’em, Dano!

Idaho – Scenic; Vacation Wonderland; World Famous Potatoes;  – Tuber Town

Indiana – Heritage State;  Amber Waves of Grain; Crossroads of America – Gene Hackman made a movie here…once.

Iowa – The Corn State  – If it weren’t for subsidies and ethanol, we’d be Delaware.

Kansas – The Wheat State; Midway USA –  Come see the Toto museum.

Kentucky – Bluegrass State; It’s That Friendly; Unbridled Spirit – Visit our fresh horse glue museum.

Louisiana- Sportsmen’s (man”s) Paradise; Bayou State; LoUiSiAna – We really do talk this way.

Maine – Vacationland –  Your Outlet Center State.

Maryland – Drive Carefully –  Really, Drive Carefully.

Massachusetts – The Spirit of America – Liberal? Yes we are, thank you.

Michigan – Great Lakes State; Water (and sometimes Winter) Wonderland – The Original Schizoid State.

Minnesota – 10,000 Lakes; Explore – Franken and Ventura 2016!

Mississippi – The Hospitality State – Don’t Confuse Us with Arkansas!

Missouri – the Show-Me State –  Show Me Yours, I’ll Show You Mine.

Montana – Big Sky Country –  Visit Bombastic Montana

Nebraska – The Beef State; Cornhusker State –  Sooners? Sooner than what?

Nevada – The Silver State – Your credit is good with us.

New Hampshire – Live Free or Die –  Vermont, only conservatively so.

New Jersey – Garden State – Open 24 Hours.

New Mexico – Sunshine State; Land of Enchantment – Manhattan (Project) of the West.

New York – Empire State – I gotcha yer slogan right here!

N. Carolina – First in Flight – The Philip Morris State.

N. Dakota – Discover the Spirit – We were Dakota First!

Ohio – The Heart of It All; Birthplace of Aviation – Cleveland, Cincinnati – we got it all!

Oklahoma – is OK!; Native America – OK is Alright.

Oregon – Pacific Wonderland – Our State Flower is Rust.

Pennsylvania – Keystone State, You’ve Got a Friend in – What NJ would like to be.

Rhode Island – Discover; The Ocean State – Stop calling us an island, damn it!

S. Carolina – Iodine State; Smiling Faces; Beautiful Places – Just another pretty face.

S. Dakota – Great Faces; Great Places – No, You Weren’t! (See North Dakota.)

Tennessee – Volunteer State; Sounds Good to Me – Y’all want BBQ with that?

Texas – Lone Star State – Ranches, lots of ranches.

Utah – Ski Utah! – Mormons, Mitt, and Me!

Vermont – Green Mountains State – Liberal and precious to boot.

Virginia – Virginia is for Lovers – Land of Lobbyists.

Washington – Evergreen State – Almost Canada, but not as polite.

W. Virginia – Mountain State – The “Deliverance” state.

Wisconsin – America’s Dairyland – It’s like being in a Cracker Barrel everyday!

Wyoming – None – Home of the Dick Cheney Heart Transplant Museum.