Archive for June, 2012

We have a bone to pick with parents who don’t give much thought to what they name their children. Or maybe the poor fools think too much. What else could explain this? This unfortunate child, who has every right to believe that the future is his (or hers if you’re going to go all feminist on us!), is now saddled with a name that will follow and torment them for the rest of their lives. Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad.

Now neither Bruce or I have any problem with what anyone’s religion may be. But as a name? It’s probably a pretty safe bet that if one’s name is Christian, then they are Christian as well. Somehow Christian Goldberg doesn’t fall trippingly off the tongue. And the idea of naming someone after their birthright religion is odd and a bit obvious, like what color is that orange you’re eating? Get it?

Precisely! (thenewparentdsguide.com)

How come one doesn’t hear as first names, the following: Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim, and Unitarian. By all rights, these should be every bit as reasonable a name as Christian. Let’s see how that would work: Jewish Carruthers – ehh!, or Hindu Holstein – no,no no!, Buddhist Stalin – yeah, right, Muslim Ortiz – sounds almost like a featherweight boxer, and Unitarian Ray Bob – enough said on this one. They just don’t work too well. But that isn’t where it stops.

What about the parents who name their children with the same first and last name? WTF is wrong with them? William William? Oh, c’mon now!

Sports stars have been changing their names for something more personal and dramatic for quite some time. Cassius Clay became Muhammed Ali. Fair enough. Lew Alcindor took Kareem Abdul Jabbar, very poetic. But Metta World Peace? Give me an effin’ break!

So of course. the great unwashed, the 99%’ers, the proletariat, mouth breathers all, have to come up with their own names. Before you go any further just think of this: would you let your auto mechanic do your heart surgery? Of course not, they’re not qualified. Neither are these parents! We will seek them out and report them to the authorities. At the risk of you losing sleep, here are some new and actual names. Pity the child!

Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K – look this up really! The questions we have is what the hell does the monogram look like?

God Shammgod – really! Just another athlete who changed his name. He plays in the International Basketball League for the Portland Chinooks. He probably changed it to this as he didn’t want to be confused with the other George Shammgod.

Uh-huh! This is what we’re talking about! (isaacontech.areavoices.com)

L-a; True story – a woman named her daughter this. It’s pronounced L’Dasha!

Adam Bomb – is there any wonder crime is on the rise?

Disney Landia Rodriguez – not to be confused with Gandlandia Gurgone.

OK. Now people are thinking that drugs names may be cool. Cialis – for a girl who loves to bathe al fresco; Viagara – for a boy who likes to raise the flag at school everyday; how about Motrin? That’s nice too. Personally, we can’t wait to meet Preparation H!

If these people are really serious, then they’ll go for the formulary name of the drug, not the retail consumer version. So now, we’ll have Z-Pak instead of zithromycin. That could work well for a basketball player. How about Tamsulosin? Call ’em Tam for short. Much better than the retail name of Flomax. And it has the benefit of that it could be used either way as a nickname for a boy or girl. This really has gotten out of hand. We believe weird names promote crime. These people are desperately unhappy and have no one but their parents to blame. Thank the lord our parents named us something normal like Bruce! Neither of us have ever been tried and convicted.

It used to be that TV was free. For you young ‘uns out there, this is fact, just like Clinton saying he never inhaled! But with what we’re about to discuss with you, inhaling is probably a good idea. No, it’ll probably be necessary. And if you have any left, well, give us a call.

We started out by saying TV used to free (with the exception of advertising which in some cases was better than the show) and it wasn’t that long ago. Admittedly, most of it was crap. The occasional MASH, House, yeah those was good. And it was free!

Now you have to pay to see the kind of variety the world of TV has to offer. It’s not free and it’s unbelievably terrible. Right, you got to pay for this crap!

It’s no longer Letterman VS. Leno. (freakingnews.com) 

Nah, we’re talking about the heavyweight division of pure, unadulterated, steaming, festering crap. Most of this stuff is on cable channels like Bravo, TLC, OWN, Discovery, and Hallmark. Depending on your predilections, and we know you have them as you’re reading this crap, you run the risk of getting any number of television induced diseases. The end result of all them is the same – sitting, drooling, and mumbling at your TV while the nurse ups your meds.

Each one of these channel is in a submersible race to see who can hit bottom first and the hardest. And though Bruce and I have differing opinions, not often, we are in total agreement that neither of us can determine which of the following is the worst of this sorry lot.

For fairness, we are going to leave for another judgement day, any shows pertaining to New Jersey. Up against that, the other shows wouldn’t stand a chance, capisce? We will also exempt for this post any of the myriad Housewives shows. They alone are the biggest affront to females in recent years with the exception of Clarence Thomas.

So where does that leave us? If we were any smart, we would get ourselves to the mental dental chair and have these shows taken out immediately. But then we wouldn’t have anything to write about, so here goes.

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding – (hollywoodreporter.com)    Are you kidding us? In one recent episode, the poor groom wasn’t going to get to first base on his wedding night! Most of us have to wait years after the marriage before that happens! (Also tied with My Big Fat Obnoxious Boyfriend) Thanks a lot Nia Peeples for this great idea!

Ice Road Truckers – This is the winter version of driving your dune buggy on sand. C’mon now!

American Pickers – In any other era, this would be called petty larceny. As it stands now, it’s just a hair short of looting.

Toddlers and Tiaras – (crushable.com) This is possibly the worst portrayal of child abuse around. These parents should be caned and/or flogged as their children are going to needs years of therapy.

Pawn Stars – You know that old “antique” lawnmower in the back yard, IT”S NOT WORTH ANYTHING! Get a job!

Deadliest Catch – That would be Kate of Jon and Kate Plus 8.

Jon and Kate Plus 8 – Actually they made more news with their breakup. No one was sad.

The Crocodile Hunter – In which the hunter got hunted. Yeah, boo yourself.

Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? My Dad? My Mother? – Everyone and no one!

The Bachelorette/The Bachelor – Why don’t we just introduce these two losers and be done with it?

Fear Factor – Dumpster diving for dollars. Yum.

Dog the Bounty Hunter –  (suburbanvoodoo.blogspot.com) We’re not going to say anything because that dude’s scary!

Steven Seagal: Lawman – Yeah, Elvis wanted to be a cop too.

The Swan – In which an ugly duckling gets made over into an…ugly duckling but with better clothes and hair.

Wife Swap/Trading Spouses – It’s just like Nordstrum’s – they’ll take anything back. (Can you believe two people came up with the same wonderful idea? Talk about creative.)

Flavor of Love – An indescribable…well, just indescribable.

The Amazing Race – A prime example that people will do anything, risk life and limb (and sometimes do), for a small payoff. Wise up…it doesn’t look that good on your resume!

Any and all of the “Talent” shows – The Gong Show meets Ed Sullivan meets Don Imus.

Any show with “America’s….” – It isn’t at all!

The Matchmaker – We need to introduce her to the Bachelorete,  the Bachelor, My Dad, Your Mom,  your turtle, and the Millionaire. We’re sure they’ll all be very happy together.

Mob Wives –  (gothamist.com) We sort feel about this one the same as Dog the Bounty Hunter. These broads scare the living crap out of us.

That’s only scratching the surface. Watch too many of these and you’ll have itches where you won’t be able to scratch them in public. Don’t say we didn’t warn you! So that’s what it’s come to folks, we are going to hell in a hand basket. Wait, I like that, it’s a good idea. Maybe Mark Cuban will pick it up.

Oh, there’s a little more bad news – the English have many more of these and they’re coming our way. Payback for 1776 we guess.

So, over the past few months, we have heard birds in our chimney, knocking noises all over the house, and seemingly bad odors (ok, we found out later that those were our own odors).   We called an “animal recovery specialist”.  Isn’t that a nice name for a guy who comes over and kills your annoying vermin?

The birds are in the chimney because they have evidently built a nest.  Our builder, Alfred Greenberg & Sons, who received a fortune of money to build our house, left off the all important chimney cap/screen.  Retail price; $25. Price to hear birds chirping at all hours…………..priceless.  Nice work, Alfred.  Hope you and the family are sleeping well since your retirement.

The fellow comes over and tells us that we have a bigger issue; we have “roof rats”.  I asked him to repeat this until I believe his news.   “Yes, sir, I have been in your neighborhood several times recently and roof rats seem to be a problem”.  Damn, that makes no sense.  Roof rats should not live in a clean upscale neighborhood like East Memphis.  Why? Our real estate taxes are sky high  and I do not know a gainfully employed roof rat.

Mr. Exterminator (blunt enough?) told us that the roof rat’s scientific name is Rattus rattus.   Makes me think that mother rats do a disservice by giving their babies the same first and last names.   Historically, they are associated with having spread the plague or black death during the Middle Ages.  Now, they have moved to East Memphis.   Damn, these things should get frequent flyer miles.   The roof rat is also known as the black rat, even though it is not necessarily black in color, but rather is usually dark brown (like it matters).   He tells us that the typical roof rat is between 13 to 18 inches long, including its tail.  No, no, other Bruce, don’t ask me about “13-18 inches long”.  Roof rats are sleek, slender, and agile. He said they have large ears, so at least I have something in common.  The other Bruce’s ears are in proportion to his body; mine are like elephant ears.  I was always kidded about  my ears since I was born.  This makes it especially hard to know that the invading species probably looks like me.

Mr. E told me that they generally only stay in the attic.   He would need to do a complete eradication program over a two day period, costing $2,600.  Great, next vacation will be pared down to an evening driving around the block.  So, I asked how these things get into such a clean house?  Mr. E. told us the following facts, which were very educational:

Roof rat droppings are long and cylindrical – important to know that they do not need fiber

Roof rats are nocturnal  – good to know they are up when I am sleeping and dreaming about creepy things

Roof rats can transmit diseases like the bubonic plague and typhus  – Nice, the 10 plagues may have finally come to my home

Roof rats will enter homes and buildings; they only need a hole the size of a quarter;  Alfred Greenberg…….thanks  again  for   building an expensive home with holes.

Roof rats are good climbers. They can climb walls and use utility lines and fences to travel from structure to structure – Nice to know that roof rats are fit and in shape;  I have to spend $40 per month for my fitness club membership.

Roof rats will nest in trees, woodpiles, garbage, and plants  –  Picky buggers, obviously these are not the ones we used to see in New York City which ate ALL matter.

Roof rats like high places, like attics, which are their preference – Thank God for small favors.

Roof rats do not burrow in the ground or swim – Too bad, I would have invited them to use our pool on Father’s Day had they asked.

Roof rats eat fruits, vegetables, nuts, pet food and invertebrates (spiders and worms, for example). They will also eat paper.   All these things exist in my house. They could have just come for dinner.

Female roof rats can each have up to four litters a year, each containing five to eight young. In urban areas where they have no natural predators, the survival rate of the babies is high – With college so expensive, why would they do this?

Yes, I am in a bad mood about spending $2,600 to eradicate our roof rats.  I am especially angry at them because I am so much bigger and smarter and stronger than they are, and they should have at least picked a good fight.

When Bruce and I were little kids in separate schools, divided by geography, years, and parents who wouldn’t talk with each other (How could they? They didn’t even know each other!), we indulged in the kind of mindless entertainment all young boys do. No, not the kind that’ll make you go blind. The kind that kills brain cells without artificial additives. Stupid stuff. The kind of stuff mindless people will do given the opportunity to vent their prepubescent rage. Or at least we’d like to think we did.

Mindless thing #1. Let’s hang “Tommy” from the bridge. Drivers will see, freak-out, cause multi-vehicle collisions and hilarity will ensue. We didn’t really hang “Tommy”, our version of an early crash test dummy, so much as take his clothes, sew up the sleeves and pants legs, stuff them with paper and then hung this paperboy from the bridge. Nobody saw “Tommy”. No collisions, but in truth, we thought it was the funniest thing ever. See, mindless.

Not Tommy! (123rf.com)

Mindless thing# 2. Impersonating the law. This usually happened under two conditions: lust or drunkenness. Sometimes those two walked hand-in-hand. Picture chasing in our car, flashing the red-covered driving lights, two nubile young women in their car, exhorting them to pull over.The NYW, seeing the flashing red lights on our VW Beetle (!), thought they were being pulled over by the law. Obviously they weren’t too bright if they thoughts cops drove VWs! Upon seeing it was two young dudes in heat, they split as quickly as they could. We did warn you this was mindless. Grateful that they did not report us to the real law, we followed suit and split, but in a different direction.

What we thought we looked like. (diecastcaronline.com)

Mindless #3. Being the really good friend by going out with hot girl’s not-so-hot friend in order for your friend to take out Miss Pretty. Yeah, that’s what friends are for. Nothing will contribute to reprobate behavior and quick inebriation as taking one for the team. What team? I don’t have a number on my shirt! And I’m certainly not going to make it to first base with this girl either! But, friendship prevails and a good time was had by two of the four people involved. Yeah, mindless.

The feeling was mutual! (forum.santabanta.com)

Mindless #4. This is easy. See our previous post, Blogging for Idiots, 101. Yeah, mindless, very mindless.

Stalkers beware!

Posted: June 4, 2012 in People, Politics
Tags: , , ,

Stalkers get a bad rap and with good reason. They don’t contribute anything to the economy with the exception of an increase in ski mask sales. Additionally, one can’t define stalkers by one stereotype. No, there are many different types. Bruce and I, or more properly for this entry, me and Bruce, have done breakthrough research on stalkers. It was eye-opening.

A long time ago, what is now considered stalking and a punishable crime, was what shy people did harmlessly. They were too afraid to approach the really pretty girl or guy and would hide behind trees to steal a glance. Right, Bruce? You remember that, I know you do! Oops, digression here.

(brooklynxrooftops.com)

Sometimes, they would eventually get up the nerve to approach the other person and ask them out on a date. Harmless so far, right? Absolutely. Every now and then they would succeed, get married, start a family, and then run for office for which they are completely unqualified for. Still, really pretty harmless. Look at Dennis Kucinich. Have you seen his wife? Major babe! Dennis ran for office and succeeded. Big time. See?

But the fly in the ointment, for which many of these shy people wound up needing (the ointment, not the fly!), is when they were rejected. They simply were not equipped to handle this and that led to some really off-the-wall behavior. The kind of stuff you see on Access Hollywood, supermarket tabloids, Fox News, and 60 Minutes. Oh yeah.

First it was celebrities being stalked by star-struck fans who only wanted to marry them. Hannibal Lector, where are you now that we need you?

“I’ll have some fava beans with that please. And a nice Chianti.”

Ah, the price of fame. Everybody wants to be a star or at least married to them or have their children or some such other depravity.

Don’t forget ex’s as a category. Getting a divorce and don’t really want one because you’re still mooning over that totally incompatible spouse of your? What do you do? Right… stalking, in the hopes that this misguided attention on your part on their behalf will win you back into their hearts. You are such a loser! That’s why they’re divorcing you. You need to pay more attention to your Beanie Baby collection.

One could call political candidates stalkers and be justifiable. They show up when you least expect them to; take you by surprise with their faux friendliness; and then screw you as soon as they can. Yeah, they’re stalkers alright!

And the biggest tool stalkers have now is Facebook. Oh, yeah. Admit it. You’ve been guilty of this. We know ’cause we know who’s been looking at us on FB! If you’re reading this, you better cop a plea because the next knock on the door won’t be a “Friend”, but he or she will know your name and will even kindly inform you of your rights.

(weknowmemes.com)

Now if that wasn’t enough, there are miscreants out there stalking complete strangers because they like the way they look or smell or dress or… well, you get the idea. Not a bad premise, but a totally stupid action. To those who do this…did you ever think that maybe these people are stalking you? Think about it. Why do you keep seeing them? Everywhere? It’s not coincidence. No, you are now the stalkee. How does does it feel now, loser? Yeah, right. Deal with it!