Archive for the ‘Blogs’ Category

You’ve got to keep this under your hat. but I’m about ready to give Bruce his walking papers. He’s just not pulling his weight which by the way is quite considerable. As I wrote the last time, it doesn’t seem like it’s working out. But, I can’t do this myself. Between my daytime responsibilities as a senior citizens crossing guard and part-time mercenary, my hands are pretty full. I have a full-time, unpaid position available for another to help me with this load. I’ve listed the qualifications here.

At work.

1. Must be able to construct sentences using the Ludovico Sentence Structure Construct. This consists of nouns, verbs, pronouns, adverbs, adjectives, participles, punctuation, and of course, correct spelling – no spell-check allowed. Compound sentences allowed only with poly-syllabic words.

2. All posts must use injunctive reasoning. If you do not know what this, do not bother applying.

3. No use of crayons allowed. What do you think is? Kindergarten?

4. Plagiarism is not permitted unless it actually enhances the post.

5. The use of legalese is discouraged. No “whereas’, “party of the…”, “wherefore”, “henceforth”, or anything that might be construed as a subpoena. Hell, we got enough of those already.

6. Correct use of tense and gender a must. This is not a PC blog and I don’t want it to be, ever. The goal is to call it as we see it. Tenderness is prohibited.

7. Cliches are encouraged. The more the better.

8. Check your snark index. If you border on being polite, try writing for the Christian Science Monitor. Politeness is for church, not here.

9. If you’ve won any awards or prizes for journalistic excellence, think twice about applying. This would probably end your career and I don’t want that on my hands.

10. If you’ve aspirations of moving up in this organization, then you’ve got more problems then I willing to handle. Walmart would be a better career move. Come to think of it, you would probably look good in one of those greeter’s vest.

11. If you are an illegal alien, that is in your favor since the pay is non-existent anyway.

12. Any political affiliation can be a problem. That’s just more baggage you’ll have to lose.

13. Do you have a record? If so, call…now! (This is for felonies, misdemeanors, grand theft, embezzling, etc. Any other need not apply.)

14. What is your favorite pizza top[ping? This can be a deal-breaker.

15. Are you currently under a restraining order(s)? If so, please list the name(s) of that/those person(s)? This is the kind of character reference we’re looking for. The larger the restraining order, the better your chances are to considered.

A valuable asset.

16. And finally… Is your name Bruce?

So, that’s it. Most of you reading this blog probably meet some of the qualifications already. But, I am going to be quite specific this time around. The last Bruce… well, if you’re hired, I’ll tell you over drinks. Your treat of course.

This is the other Bruce and I’m not happy. Not happy at all. Do you hear me? Not happy!

And you wanna know why? Probably not and that’s why I’m unhappy. I’m more than unhappy. But I promised Bruce I would confine that kind of talk to the bar or behind Mrs. Crosby’s more than ample backside.

Bruce has been moping about and there doesn’t seem to be anything any of us can do about it. We’ve offered him his favorite girly drink, Club Soda, Elderberry Wine, nightshade, a slice of lime, and Rose’s Lime juice with an expresso bean thrown in, but even that can’t seem to stir him from that damned funk he’s in.

Just add the nightshade and the coffee bean and Bruce’ll be happy…maybe..

And here’s the dirty little secret behind his crappy attitude. You. That’s right, You. Or really the lack of You’s. Each day he looks at the numbers on this blog and gets more and more pissed. If Bruce is pissed, then you can only imagine how I feel. Spittin’ nails, right!

Look, I don’t want to air our dirty laundry, but I can’t stand it when Bruce is this way. He’s mean to his wife, kicks the dog (and the cat, but she deserves it), and is just generally lousy to be around. Each day he toils on this blog and feels like he’s unappreciated. (Awww, poor little Bruce!) But hey, aren’t we all?

So, Bruce is threatening to leave this endeavor of ours and go to work for Rupert Murdoch. He claims he has had it. He might even run away. Talked about arrested development! Join the circus! See if I care.

He says why should he do most of the writing, as if you couldn’t tell, right?, if no one is going to read it. I keep telling him that the market (of which he thinks of as urbane and sophisticated) isn’t really there or if it is, doesn’t care. Bruce, look, maybe you’re not that funny after all. That was probably not the right thing to say. What do you think?

I can’t see this blog going on without him. What would I call it? – The Bruce? Not on your life! Of course, I could go out and find another Bruce, but truthfully, it wouldn’t be the same. We’d have no history, we probably would be too similar and that wouldn’t work. I guess I could use my brother, but he isn’t a Bruce, he’s a Richard and that’s all that needs to said on that count. He’s not even a pale comparison. This is not how I thought I would spend my final days in the nursing home. Disregard that last remark. I am fully capable and functioning and don’t use Depends… often. I’m just really upset over this.

Last night, Bruce went to a gun show of all things. That’s usually the thing I like to do, but hey. He came back with a Kroger 90mm hand cannon complete with mother of pearl grip and elephant ivory sightings. He said it was formerly owned by Cher. At least that gave him some comfort. It’s what he may intend to do with it that has me scared. We need to talk him down off this ledge.

It made him happy for a moment until we took out the firing pin.

Please let Bruce know you love him. Tell your friends to read this too. Maybe even follow. Write him comments. Send him cookies. It will make my life much more bearable and will continue the fine writing that you’ve all come to love. Or like maybe. Tolerate? Please? Otherwise, it could mean the end of the Two Bruces blog. Unless you know of another extremely talented Bruce. It could happen. I’m open to suggestions.

We are bloggers. There…we’ve said it and admitted it. It’s been known that the first step to recovery is to admit you are not well, or addicted, or some such malady from which you never knew you suffered. Sounds like self-flagellation for which we would much rather have a willing partner.

The Patron Saint of Blogging/Pin-up Queen/Blogger’s Centerfold.

One must learn the underlying factors that contribute to blogging. Until they are discerned, one must face that a life filled with half thoughts, incomplete sentences, bad grammar, crappy art, excess time, poor spelling, gratuitous foul language (not that there’s anything wrong with that), and the realization that the usual self-aggrandizement that comes with publicizing one’s own persona is a life bereft of any true meaning. And your diet will consist  of anything salty/sweet, caffeinated beverages, take-out food that comes in boxes both cardboard and styrofoam….because nothing else will matter!

The Blogger’s Aspirational Goal.

Yes, that’s right; it is a meaningless life. However, you can be helped. But again as we stated earlier, you must admit your failings. It starts now. This is an intervention! STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD. NOW! NO, WE MEAN IT!

The world does not want to see the “cute” pictures of your children, pets, vacations, cars, boy/girl friends, whatever. The world wants even less to read what you feel you have to say, really. Why did you even think you have something meaningful to say? Truthfully, we don’t either, but since we are attempting to explain everything, this is as good a place as any to start. CLEAR ALL YOUR BOOKMARKS. THEY WILL BE DEAD TO YOU AND MEAN NOTHING TO YOU FROM NOW ON!

Now, of course you’re thinking to yourself that who are they (The Two Bruces) to tell us what and how to do it when they obviously are so guilty of what they portray as evil. Oh, yes. We know. We’ve been down that sordid road, barely surviving the clutches of this horrendous affliction. But we are Bruces. We know these things. And you should listen to us.

YOU, THERE. YES, YOU! TAKE YOUR HAND AWAY FROM THE MOUSE! YOU DON’T GET OFF SO EASY!

As we were saying, it’s an affliction but curable. And since you’ve admitted it, you are now on the long road to recovery. It won’t be easy; it won’t be brief. (This ain’t no party, no CBGB’s, this ain’t no messing around!) We hope you like herb tea because caffeine is now out of the question. No more Starbucks for you! Think Celestial Seasonings offerings. No more junk food either. This is the bed you created for yourself and we aim to help you get into a new, psychic Tempurpedic. It will be difficult, but ultimately worth it. AND FOR GOD SAKES,  NO MORE ONLINE SHOPPING! DO YOU REALLY NEED ANOTHER PAIR OF INFLATABLE TOOTHBRUSHES?

Going forward,we just have thi6te–=s – damn mouse! Bruce, can you fix this #&^%(*@ thing!?

Top Billing.

Posted: April 30, 2012 in Blogs, Humor
Tags: ,

When this blog was launched, as in any partnership, we needed to name it and be fair about it as well. Like parents with a new child, we thought long and hard about what to call it. And whose name would go first. You know, who would get top billing.

If only we’d been invited! We heard it was a nice event.

We consulted all the books about naming your blog. Should we call it something from the Bible? – always a safe choice, but old or new testament? Or how about something Gaelic reflecting neither of our birthright cultures? – ah, but bold! We could have named it something with an ambiguous meaning leading every reader to ponder the gender of its authors or the origin of their birth. Hell, for all you know, that is what we did.

We thought about naming it something clever that would instantly convey the towering and imposing intellect of the two authors. Hell again, there might be more than two authors. There could be three  or four of us which is a distinct possibility because Bruce does have a personality disorder. It might even be only one twisted mind doing this. Ahh, we’re just messing with you. There are only two of us.

But, and this is a big but(t), we do both have the same first name. It is a name, though growing up separately, we both hated. Why would our parents name us this? How could we have offended them while still in the womb? There are no appropriate nicknames for Bruce nor should there be. Do not be cute and call either of us Brucie. We are not your cousin nor are we amused. Come to think of it, we hate nicknames as well.

So in our joint misery over the misguided but lovingly given first names, we find ourselves at a loggerhead over who gets top billing. You know, someone will always be slighted by taking the second banana spot. But what is one to do?

This is definitely not the loggerhead we were talking about. Bruce, how did this get in here? What? Oh, they’re loggerhead turtles? See, what I have to put up with.  And an emphatic “No!” to the snarky reader who thinks this is a portrait of Bruce and me.

Ultimately we came up with a diplomatic if imperfect solution and we’d like to share it with you. Your comments on this are always welcome if not necessarily heeded. After all, it’s OUR blog!

Every even number posting will be Bruce’s. Every odd number entry will be the other Bruce, me. We believe this will clear up any confusion over our names. After all, it’s not our fault our parents liked our brothers better! So, just to keep things straight, this posting is Bruce’s; the next one will be mine. Clear?

Hello World!

Posted: March 6, 2012 in Blogs, Humor, Life
Tags:

You have just witnessed the unnatural childbirth of a new blog. No Lamaze here, no birthing chair, no pant-pant-blow, no, not much of anything…yet.

Why, you are no doubt groaning and asking, another blog? To which we enthusiastically respond, “Uh, we don’t know.” That’s not true – we do.

United by a common hatred of our first names since childhood, (Hey, you try growing up with this name), the Bruces (yes, they are real, much to the chagrin of their significant others) fought, real and imagined slights against them, thus over-compensating for their small egos.

As such, as chronological adults, they are in a position to point out the absurdities they see in the world around them and explain it all for you. Lest some of you think this is about nothing, (some other guy tried that without much success), that could not be further from the truth. This is about the real world.

Hold on, we think you’re going to like this.