Archive for October, 2013

One of the pursuits we Bruces enjoy is sitting in a dark room, next to each other, gazing longingly into the eyes of a monstrously large actor on the theatre screen. Yeah, we knew what you were thinking, so just disavow yourself of such smutty thoughts. Not that we’re against smutty thoughts. Just the contrary, we’re all for them as long they don’t involve each other in each other’s arms. We’ve both got semi-tolerant spouses for that. But we digress.

After having just spent some ill-used time and copious money (Have you seen the price of tickets lately? Gwyneth Paltrow does not deserve that kind of money!) in a movie house, we’ve decided that Hollywood and all the indie film makers have lost their mojo, assuming they had it in the first place. It seems like some of these “directors” have an interesting first film in them but then they move on to making the same damn film over and over again. And don’t get us started on actors. Does Mark Ruffalo have any other characters in his repertoire? (Aside here – both Paltrow and Ruffalo will be in an upcoming film together! Why? Oh, why?)

So what is the solution? Bruce and i have figured it out. Sure it’s a little formulaic, but it’s Hollywood and it will ensure an endless stream of semi-original films at possibly significant savings. Add that to the inevitably higher ticket prices and Hollywood will be able to contribute as much money to any candidate’s campaign they wish to. Just as long as Mark Ruffalo doesn’t run for anything.

After a movie is finished what happens to all the props and sets? That’s a lot of cash tossed away for a film which more than likely will go straight to video. Does anyone know how many films Paul Giamatti has really made? Since more of them go directly to video, it’s immeasurable. We have the solution. No, we won’t out-source films. That would mean too many interminable French and Swedish films, more preposterous Japanese monster films, and features from Alexandra Pelosi.

195042874_e4fa93b1f3   Anyone know which film this is?

We want to repurpose films. By that we mean an entirely new film genre: recombinant film-making or RFM. Why won’t the sets or props from one film work in an another? Hell why can’t stories be combined creating brand new franchises? It would also create previously unimagined audience bases. Here are some ideas we’ve come up. After reading this, feel free to share your ideas for new flicks with us. We might even take it into development.

Forrest Gump: The Awakening – Forrest meets Kate Beckinsale from the Underworld series. Run like hell Forrest!

5686239332_ab36888e27                                      Life is like a nest of vampires in this retelling.

Terminator VS. The Care Bears – He did come back and now’s he’s showing his softer side. Funded in part by Charmin.

The Bourne Legacy: Wanted – Will Hunting. Matt Damon does double duty here and gets to date and then ultimately “take out” Minnie Driver. How do you like them apples?

All the President’s Cranky Old Men – CGI saves the day as Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau are brought back to cinematic life opposite their nearly as old “costars” Redford and Hoffman in this riveting tale of nursing home abuse in DC. Gwyneth Paltrow is featured as Nurse Ratchett in an uncredited cameo.

5406686391_9d5174b497                                      Nurse Ratchett, right?

Something about Harry Potter – Harrison Ford reprieves his Something about Henry role but re-imagined as a very senior and doddering Harry Potter. Happier still, but can’t find his wand and keeps asking who’s Dumbledore. Oscar buzz on this one.

Don Jon DeMarco – Pairing up Johnny Depp with Joseph Gordon Levitt has to be one of the most savvy Hollywood moves in a long time. A CGI (again!) generated Marlon Brando comes back along with a taxidermic Faye Dunaway to deal with problems of a conflicted genius porn addict and his imaginary psychotic friend. Will appeal to several generations of undiscriminating movie goers. Popcorn sales guaranteed to be at record highs.

Back to the Once and Future King – Michael Fox stars in a once-in-a lifetime film, he plays all the roles. In this retelling of an Arthurian fantasy, Fox returns to Camelot only to have his one way back to the present, his DeLorean, broken up and hammered into armor.

4100030094_5fe0b111d9    Just one more time.

The Heart is a Lonely Deer Hunter –  In this brilliant mash-up of Vietnam angst and Carson McCullers novel about a deaf man, John Singer, is envisioned as a cautionary tale about sending handicapped people to war and what occurs when they return. Hayden Christensen plays the role originally portrayed by Robert DeNiro.

The Princess Bride of Frankenstein – A tender but comic retelling of a misanthrope locked in a fairy morality play quoted way too many times in pop culture. Inconceivable!

So, you get the idea. RFM is the wave of the future. We could go on and on about this but we’ve just been contacted about making a musical version of Breaking Bad. See you all later.