Posts Tagged ‘Statehood’

For a country that was created with such promise and hope, the good old USA has been something of an underachiever of late. The boom years of adding states willy-nilly are over. We seem to have lost our mojo. The last time we added states, really annexed them, was in 1959 when we decided Alaska and Hawaii should start paying taxes too. That’s 53 years ago! Have we run out of white thread to add stars to the flag? Come on now. There is plenty of low-hanging fruit ripe for the picking and adding to the union. If we’re smart, we might get one with oil and solve the whole damn mess we’re in.

So, where do we start? The countries bordering us make the most sense in the short term. Currently we are still stronger than they are and can quickly over-run them and make them the 51st and 52nd states. Immediately our tax rolls increase and the deficit goes down. The immigration problem goes away. Does it really take the Two Bruces to figure this one out? No wonder we’re in the condition we’re in.

OK, so Canada and Mexico are in. What’s the next target? This will take some clear and cogent thought. Who has the best fast food restaurants we’d like to see here?

First off, with the growing Latino population, we must find a way to serve them as well since they will be voters too. That turns out to be an easy solution as well: Cuba and Puerto Rico.

         The 53rd and 54th states.

Puerto Rico is already part of the US but denied rights for too many years. They’ve wanted statehood for quite some time now, but who knows why, and we should grant it to them. Cuba is another no-brainer. First of all, we can finally get some good cigars here. Secondly, their mechanics take a back seat to no one at keeping cars running way past their buy-by-date. And their food is fantastic!

So, now that we’ve picked the tree bare of the easy stuff, who’s next? In the spirit of true expansionism and William Randolph Hearst, we propose making all of South America a state. Hell, it’s already an America! With all the drought going on, having our own rain forest will solve that problem! Think of how cheap coffee will be, that is until General Foods gets their hands on it. If you ask us, and you should have by now, they are taking that “General” name just a little too seriously. Wait. That’s it. That’s pure genius Bruce. Why didn’t I think if that? One small problem: does it become one big honking state or do we break it up into many? Oooh, more political races – what fun!

Going forward, the US government will now take applications and grant statehood to corporations. Of course, they will need to jump through all the hoops immigrants do in order to achieve this. Then, they’ll have to wait five years before getting their permanent work permits. In that time, the government will tax them unmercifully thus eliminating the deficit. This is so in keeping with the Citizens United decision that it gives us goosebumps.

But the benefits don’t stop there. They will have to have free elections, just like the rest of the country does. The voters, paid off as well as anyone, can decide who they want to run the state/corporation’s next administration. Damn the stock price, we want health care! We want child care! We want health clubs! We want better coffee in the employee lounge! ARE YOU LISTENING?

Do this and the USA will have its mojo back in spades. And nobody will screw with us either because they know if they do, we’ll grant them statehood.We’re back, baby! And better than ever!