Posts Tagged ‘stalkers’

Stalkers beware!

Posted: June 4, 2012 in People, Politics
Tags: , , ,

Stalkers get a bad rap and with good reason. They don’t contribute anything to the economy with the exception of an increase in ski mask sales. Additionally, one can’t define stalkers by one stereotype. No, there are many different types. Bruce and I, or more properly for this entry, me and Bruce, have done breakthrough research on stalkers. It was eye-opening.

A long time ago, what is now considered stalking and a punishable crime, was what shy people did harmlessly. They were too afraid to approach the really pretty girl or guy and would hide behind trees to steal a glance. Right, Bruce? You remember that, I know you do! Oops, digression here.


Sometimes, they would eventually get up the nerve to approach the other person and ask them out on a date. Harmless so far, right? Absolutely. Every now and then they would succeed, get married, start a family, and then run for office for which they are completely unqualified for. Still, really pretty harmless. Look at Dennis Kucinich. Have you seen his wife? Major babe! Dennis ran for office and succeeded. Big time. See?

But the fly in the ointment, for which many of these shy people wound up needing (the ointment, not the fly!), is when they were rejected. They simply were not equipped to handle this and that led to some really off-the-wall behavior. The kind of stuff you see on Access Hollywood, supermarket tabloids, Fox News, and 60 Minutes. Oh yeah.

First it was celebrities being stalked by star-struck fans who only wanted to marry them. Hannibal Lector, where are you now that we need you?

“I’ll have some fava beans with that please. And a nice Chianti.”

Ah, the price of fame. Everybody wants to be a star or at least married to them or have their children or some such other depravity.

Don’t forget ex’s as a category. Getting a divorce and don’t really want one because you’re still mooning over that totally incompatible spouse of your? What do you do? Right… stalking, in the hopes that this misguided attention on your part on their behalf will win you back into their hearts. You are such a loser! That’s why they’re divorcing you. You need to pay more attention to your Beanie Baby collection.

One could call political candidates stalkers and be justifiable. They show up when you least expect them to; take you by surprise with their faux friendliness; and then screw you as soon as they can. Yeah, they’re stalkers alright!

And the biggest tool stalkers have now is Facebook. Oh, yeah. Admit it. You’ve been guilty of this. We know ’cause we know who’s been looking at us on FB! If you’re reading this, you better cop a plea because the next knock on the door won’t be a “Friend”, but he or she will know your name and will even kindly inform you of your rights.


Now if that wasn’t enough, there are miscreants out there stalking complete strangers because they like the way they look or smell or dress or… well, you get the idea. Not a bad premise, but a totally stupid action. To those who do this…did you ever think that maybe these people are stalking you? Think about it. Why do you keep seeing them? Everywhere? It’s not coincidence. No, you are now the stalkee. How does does it feel now, loser? Yeah, right. Deal with it!