Archive for the ‘New Jersey’ Category

While we openly admit our preternatural dislike of our first names, we find that most people really like Bruces, as well they should. Go to any astrological chart, dig deep enough and you’ll find the traits that garner the most respect are those associated with a Bruce. You scoff? Possibly, but not for much longer.

The world is undoubtedly a far better place because of Bruce. Not just any Bruce, but all Bruces with the exception of those who might call themselves Brucie Ray, Joe Bob Bruce, John Wayne Brucie, – you know the kind: missing some teeth, dreadful tattoos, and bound to be arrested for some heinous crime against humanity. No, that hardly ever happens with a Bruce.

Bruces are known throughout history for their valor, intelligence, uncommon good looks, impeccable taste in all things cultural and spiritual, kindness, generosity, peacefulness, compassion, and (you can ask any Bruce’s wife about this) their virility. It’s true!

Think about all the Bruces you know or are familiar with. Throughout history and culture, there is usually a Bruce leading the vanguard of the next wave of positive change. You scoff again? Read on doubter!

Here are some of the Bruces that come immediately to mind with just a soupcon of their achievements following. You of course can add your own as you most certainly will.

Bruce Springsteen – just for making New Jersey cool qualifies him for free drinks at the local bar.

Bruce Lee – showed us that Bruces are as tough as the next guy. Maybe even tougher! If you don’t believe this, were he still alive, he’d kick your butt! Get with the program, dude!

Bruce Willis – the uber Bruce, ’nuff said.

Robert the Bruce – Bruce as a pronoun. What could be better? Read your Scottish history, this ain’t school!

Bruce Vilanch – this might be a reach, but he has helped a lot of people in Hollywood so that counts.

Bruce Boxleitner – showed us that in all Bruces, as well as some other men, aging well is a natural. With the exception of the previous mentioned Bruce. we don’t know what happened.

Bruce Campbell – the most famous unknown B-movie actor who shows us that anonymity is its own strength. In keeping with his anonymity, there will be no picture here.

Bruce – the shark in the first “Jaws”movie –  message here: you just don’t mess around with a Bruce.

Bruce Wayne – the Bruce with the most issues including a penchant for latex clothing, but he’s a do-gooder at heart.

Bruce Dern – just on principle. He’s the father of actress Laura Dern, but for the life of us we can’t figure who is more famous.

Lenny Bruce – Made it semi-OK to say F*** almost all the time.

Bruce Hornsby – pianist and sometime Grateful Dead member. That alone qualifies him for the name Bruce.

Bruce McGill – as D-Day from “Animal House”

So reader whose name unfortunately is not Bruce, this is only a partial list. But we hope it gives you a start on the road to new respect for those named Bruce. We do so much for you, all we ask is that you don’t ever call us Brucie. That will make us mad and you don’t want to see us get mad.

Kevin Spacey? How the hell did he get in here? Secretly wants to be a Bruce too.

If you do any amount of travel or if you notice license plates from other states, you’ll probably see any number of state slogans enticing to you come visit their little piece of heaven. We’ve been to some of these places and let’s get this out right now – some of these are the furthest from the glorious hereafter you could envision. You might want to die when you get there but that would be merciful.  However, we will not identify them, but they know who we’re talking about. Don’t you?

So here is what we’ve seen – and what we suggest they might consider. We offer this free of any charge in the probable misconception that since there was no money exchanged, there can be no liability for performance. In alphabetical order and not of importance such as electoral votes, blue state-red state, we’re color blind. If we offend, we’re sorry. Not really. Oh, and some of these states are a little schizoid, having multiple slogans. Guess it depends if they’re feeling a little frisky. Points are taken off for multiple slogans.

Current slogan – then, suggested New Slogan

Alabama – Stars Fell On; Heart of Dixie; Sweet Home Alabama –  We have a group named after us.

Alaska – North to the Future; The Great Land; The Last Frontier – We got rid of her once…

Arizona – Grand Canyon State –  And you thought Goldwater was nuts!

Arkansas – The Natural State –  At Least We’re Not Mississippi!

California – The Golden State –  Vote for Maria.

Colorado – Colorful – Land of boots and honey’s.

Connecticut – Constitution State – Home of Joe Lieberman. It’s not something we’re proud of,

Delaware – The First State (Small Wonder, Diamond State) – It’s On Your Way.

DC – Nation’s Capital – Hey, you voted for these jokers!

Florida – Sunshine State – It’s early bird special all the time.

Georgia – The Peach State; …On My Mind – Home of the Ray Charles Highway.

Hawaii- Aloha State – Book ’em, Dano!

Idaho – Scenic; Vacation Wonderland; World Famous Potatoes;  – Tuber Town

Indiana – Heritage State;  Amber Waves of Grain; Crossroads of America – Gene Hackman made a movie here…once.

Iowa – The Corn State  – If it weren’t for subsidies and ethanol, we’d be Delaware.

Kansas – The Wheat State; Midway USA –  Come see the Toto museum.

Kentucky – Bluegrass State; It’s That Friendly; Unbridled Spirit – Visit our fresh horse glue museum.

Louisiana- Sportsmen’s (man”s) Paradise; Bayou State; LoUiSiAna – We really do talk this way.

Maine – Vacationland –  Your Outlet Center State.

Maryland – Drive Carefully –  Really, Drive Carefully.

Massachusetts – The Spirit of America – Liberal? Yes we are, thank you.

Michigan – Great Lakes State; Water (and sometimes Winter) Wonderland – The Original Schizoid State.

Minnesota – 10,000 Lakes; Explore – Franken and Ventura 2016!

Mississippi – The Hospitality State – Don’t Confuse Us with Arkansas!

Missouri – the Show-Me State –  Show Me Yours, I’ll Show You Mine.

Montana – Big Sky Country –  Visit Bombastic Montana

Nebraska – The Beef State; Cornhusker State –  Sooners? Sooner than what?

Nevada – The Silver State – Your credit is good with us.

New Hampshire – Live Free or Die –  Vermont, only conservatively so.

New Jersey – Garden State – Open 24 Hours.

New Mexico – Sunshine State; Land of Enchantment – Manhattan (Project) of the West.

New York – Empire State – I gotcha yer slogan right here!

N. Carolina – First in Flight – The Philip Morris State.

N. Dakota – Discover the Spirit – We were Dakota First!

Ohio – The Heart of It All; Birthplace of Aviation – Cleveland, Cincinnati – we got it all!

Oklahoma – is OK!; Native America – OK is Alright.

Oregon – Pacific Wonderland – Our State Flower is Rust.

Pennsylvania – Keystone State, You’ve Got a Friend in – What NJ would like to be.

Rhode Island – Discover; The Ocean State – Stop calling us an island, damn it!

S. Carolina – Iodine State; Smiling Faces; Beautiful Places – Just another pretty face.

S. Dakota – Great Faces; Great Places – No, You Weren’t! (See North Dakota.)

Tennessee – Volunteer State; Sounds Good to Me – Y’all want BBQ with that?

Texas – Lone Star State – Ranches, lots of ranches.

Utah – Ski Utah! – Mormons, Mitt, and Me!

Vermont – Green Mountains State – Liberal and precious to boot.

Virginia – Virginia is for Lovers – Land of Lobbyists.

Washington – Evergreen State – Almost Canada, but not as polite.

W. Virginia – Mountain State – The “Deliverance” state.

Wisconsin – America’s Dairyland – It’s like being in a Cracker Barrel everyday!

Wyoming – None – Home of the Dick Cheney Heart Transplant Museum.