Archive for the ‘Advertising’ Category

We’re putting up the banners, slashing prices, getting new fixtures, clearing out the old inventory, slapping on some fresh paint, wearing new team shirts, and best of all, installing new management. After the better, bitter part of a year, we’ve come to a decision that was quite difficult for us as are those of which wine to choose. But, we, (the royal WE after all, as no one will openly take responsibility for a decision), have bitten the proverbial bullet and have affected a change at the top. No gold watch, no party, nothing – just don’t let the door hit you on the butt on your way out. Later. Adios. Arrividerci. Bon Soir. Hasta luego. Thank god and Greyhound he’s gone!

We had to make these changes as certain inconsistencies kept appearing on our books and in the tabloids. Allegations (all untrue until proven otherwise) are just that, but we could not in all good faith labor under the weight of such bad press. The election certainly did not help either. We were placing so much hope on our candidate for Alderman and then to see him lose so ignominiously, we had to make changes. The graft, accusations of infidelity, purported drug use, laundered money, watching Real Housewives… shows, deviant… well, you get the picture. It could not go on. At least not while other people were watching. It’s not that we condone such behavior, we don’t. Well, actually we do until someone is caught. Then we have to appear offended that such accusations could be made though likely true. Hey, we are only human!

So dear reader…what does this mean for you? The biggest sale on slightly used blog posts ever! Make us an offer. No reasonable offer will be turned down. We mean to clear out this place and make space for all the exciting 2013 blog posts coming your way. Who can forget “The Great Oldsmobile Migration…”? It can be yours! Make me an offer. Or how about “Screw the Lawyers”? That one’s appropriate anytime of year. Got someone in your life who’s addicted to all things automotive? “The Pig Lives” is waiting for you. What are you waiting for? These are all one of a kind and won’t last long. Look for our almost clever TV ads (after midnight ’cause that’s when TV time is really cheap) done in spectacular, realistic back and white video tape.

These posts are guaranteed original. No fakes. No warmed over imposters. These come directly from the keyboard of the operator. We are making a clean break of the past at least until it’s forgotten by all but the most persistent reporters.

So come on down and meet the new management. Just ask for one of us. Of  course, our names on our shirts will be somewhat different, but that’s the price you pay in the witness protection program. Looking forward to meeting you.

One of the things that both Bruce and I abhor is “charity”. Not the concept. No, we tithe regularly, we contribute to the United Way (but do wonder what they’re united against, but that’s another story), and we buy Girl Scout cookies, though with expanding waistlines, that may stop this year. Oh, the horror – no more Thin Mints or Samoas!

We take umbrage against all those charities that: A. have money to advertise on TV; B. send people door-to-door asking/begging/pleading for money; C: have t-shirts with cleverly designed, expensive ad agency designed logos; and D: anything that manipulates and tugs at our heart strings; you know the kind, the ones with sad-eyed puppies and kitties. Blechh! We are not heartless. But we have become increasingly cynical if that is at all possible. Just because they may have a band, doesn’t mean we have to contribute our money. Now if they had a new CD out, maybe we’d buy it.

Can’t wait to hear the new CD.

If I see one more TV commercial with some sad-faced dog or cat, I will personally start boycotting all pet stores. Bruce does not agree with me on this being the capitalist lackey that he is, but I believe they are all part of a larger pet cartel bent on separating us from our money to lavish expensive and unnecessary gifts and toys on unappreciative pets. When have you ever heard of a dog asking for a toy ball with bells in it? Never! Really!

On the other hand, Bruce has absolutely no sympathy at all for any of these suspects foundations seeking a cure for a disease no one has ever heard of or at the very least only in one in 736 million ever contracts. Then there are groups who lobby for money because they can. The Foundation for Dandruff Research will not save lives and Bruce will not help people with itchy scalps. It’s just not in his DNA. Use a better shampoo damn it!

We both respect fire fighters very much. But that they have to stand at the side of the road with their boots held out for spare change is just wrong. Give ’em a bucket at least! Standing barefoot on a concrete road in the winter is just wrong!

Christmas time brings out the most egregious abuse of “charitable” excesses. A forlorn, wasted bell-ringer does not put either of us in the holiday spirit. And dressing up the poor guy in a Santa costume? What does that tell kids? It must stop! The message that conveys is that Santa is poor and has to beg for change in order to buy your gift made in China is not a good one. After all, the hard-working under-paid workers in China deserve a better representation. Don’t they? It’s enough to make our blood boil. Actually, that pot they use would be good for that or at least a very hearty stew so good on the cold days after standing outside of the mall.

Happy bell ringers!

And let us weigh in on people who knock on your door at inopportune times asking if you have found the way? No. But I wasn’t looking. Thank you for asking. Now go away. Now! Jeez!

We would like to propose that charities must pass an Acceptability Examination. This AE would separate the wheat from the chaff and would set limits on how much they could collect in a single year. Each category would have a collection limit threshold. Go over that and Uncle Sam gets the balance. This way the gross profits that say the Foundation for Dandruff Research receives would not find their way into their CEO’s pockets. It would also have the added benefit of limiting how many requests for money we all would receive.

So in this season of giving thanks, presents, a damn maybe, give a second thought to who you might be giving your money to. If they can afford to ask for it, they can probably afford to give it. Yeah, I know – Bah, Humbug! Better the devil you know…

Bruce and I were just coming back from our favorite charity fund-raiser: Save the Intellectuals. We both feel like this is an endangered group of people that is being overlooked by media, the populace, and of course the unintelligentsia also known as the great unwashed. Since we were dog-tired of the pseudo-concerned talk of the members involved, our conversation got around to, not unsurprisingly, to politics. The question we both spoke, out loud, simultaneously was ” Is the best we can do?”

Ahhh, democracy!

Passing one of those do-it-yourself, serve-yourself yogurt shops popping up so much like mushrooms after a rain, it dawned on me that the current offering of candidates is nothing different than pull-the-center lever for a blend of nothing resembling anything. We’ve got three white men and an African-American running for national office. Without a doubt, there is not really any difference in flavor of these guys. Like cola drinks, they all have different slogans, but still pretty much taste the same anyway. Bruce and I are going to stand up and do something about it.

Yes, yes, we know – third party candidacies never work. Until now. We have, thorough, extensive research and countless non-fat lattes, determined what other third party candidates have been lacking: money. That’s it. Stone-cold, hard and dirty, under the table if necessary, filthy lucre – CASH! With enough of that stuff, you can win. Without it, well, can you say Thomas Vanderweist? No, of course not. TV as his friends (both of them) called him was so underfunded as to be considered maybe a fourth or fifth tier candidate for president in 2000. TV’s candidacy wasn’t covered because absolutely no one knew of it. This is exactly the kind of underdog Bruce and I love and naturally gravitate towards. Everyone loves the lovable loser.

Barney, not old TV.

TV was that and more. Looking more Barney Fife than Barney’s Men Store, he was the type to be overlooked in a room of only him. But he had determination. In his eyes, his candidacy was not a flight of frivolity. He was dead serious. And this seriousness, this one-mindedness cost him dearly. In an attempt to crash and participate in the presidential debates in 2000, TV, while still carrying his campaign placard on his bicycle and not looking both ways before crossing the street, was run over by a drunk driver in Joe Lieberman’s motorcade. It was an event mostly over-looked by the media as they thought he was a meaningless pizza delivery guy.

But this is the gist of his life. He was willing to die for his beliefs. Or that’s what his widow said between scotch and sodas.

So in honor of TV, we are launching a new campaign in the spirit of his, sans the bike accident. (We always look both ways.) But like any other well-oiled (that would be Bruce by 2:00 PM each afternoon) campaign machine, we will need cash. Advertising ain’t cheap, even on small cable channels featuring the Sham Wow. Before that though, we will need a candidate for all of us to rally around. Neither Bruce or I are suitable. There are a few incidents in each of our pasts we would rather not revisit. We also don’t not want to go the typical route of a vetting candidates in primaries. What a waste of money. Let’s save that, in honor of old TV, for victory party pizzas.

Please consider this an open invitation to toss your hat into the ring. Your country needs you. Your country wants you. Your spouse probably wants you out of the house. What could be more perfect?

Yes, your country wants you! Insert your face here.

All parties interested please tell us a little about yourselves: hobbies, favorite color, first pet’s name, third grade PE teacher, and favorite ice cream flavor. Really, this is all we need to vet you as the next president. It’s that simple. Don’t delay because the election is just about 10 weeks away and your country does need you. Besides, just like the other two political parties, we don’t have anything to do before the holidays.

Everywhere I look, it’s Olympic this or Olympic that. It’s all Bruce has on TV these days. I think it reminds him of his halcyon days as an alternate for the Olympic Snipe Hunting Team. One could not see a sadder face than when Bruce was told he wasn’t going to the 1986 games. Crushed is too mild a word for his disappointment. He was in the best form of his life only to be beaten by some toothless guy from the Ozarks. So sad.

Winning Snipe Hunter! (the collaredsheep.com)

But this year, Bruce and I have come up with a remedy for that – one that will open up entirely new opportunities for hopeful athletes everywhere. It’s one where a number of the cable networks will be clamoring for involvement. Just the sponsorship possibilities are staggering. We are certain at this time you’re asking, “What could this incredibly marvelous thing be? And how do I get involved?”

The Over the Hill Olympics (Othympics or OTHO for short) – pure and simple. Of course some of the current events will have to be modified to accommodate the increasingly fragile participants, but hey, no pain, no gain, right?

All events measured by time will now always have the time rounded up to the nearest minute. We’re not trying to fool anyone into thinking world records will be set by this, we’re just trying to be realistic. And fair. After all, these will be everyday Othympians.

The premier section of the games will be track and field. There will be an ambulatory set of events and a set for those Othympians with walkers. All walkers must conform to specifications lest anyone hold an unfair advantage, such as NASCAR-style drafting design elements. Some events will be shortened in time and/or distance in consideration of eventual darkness, commercial breaks, and nap time. Others will allow for some assistance as in the not-so-high jump. We are trying to be considerate of the injuries that may occur and the infirmities with which the Othympians arrive.

Other games will have new measurements. Take the shot put for example. Throwing it will not be the determining factor who wins. Rather, it will be who can pick it up the fastest without hurting themselves. This will be must-see TV.

Gymnastics will be reduced to one event, but one so important, it’s impact cannot be over-looked. This will the “I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up” competition. All participants will be bodily thrown to the ground. The one who gets up the quickest without using their Life-Alert (TM) wins. This will be incredible on slo-mo instant replay as it will probably be faster than the actual competition and will provide ample commercial opportunity.

Uh-Huh. Gold! (flickr.com)

So, you get the idea. If you have any events you would like us to include, shoot us a comment. We’re open to any ideas.

As we mentioned, this will be ripe for commercial sponsorship and participation. All events can be co-branded by their sponsor. We’ve already compiled a partial list of these. If you have any contacts within these companies, please let us know. Anything that greases the skids will help immensely. Speaking of greasing the skids, one sure-fire sponsor would be Metamucil. Others would include but certainly not limited to: Depends, Life-Alert, One-Touch monitors, Ensure, Beltone Hearing Aids, Flomax, Dollar Stores, the large print edition of the New York Times, Phoenix Life Insurance, the Lillian Vernon catalog, Gold Bond powders, Walk-In bathtubs, Denny’s, and much, much more. The possibilities are staggering. Corporate greed knows no boundaries.

How often does an opportunity like this come along? With the increased amount of baby-boomers going on Social Security, they have more time on their hands to compete or watch on their big-screen TV’s complete with audio assistance. It’s a marketers dream. Who’s with us?

If you read the Sunday papers like I do (Bruce likes to look at the comics and the Walmart flyers – I am trying to break him of THAT habit!)), then you know the primary reason for that edition is to sell you garbage you don’t need. Get over it, there is no news on a Sunday. They print that sucker days in advance. The only thing remotely news worthy are the sports scores so you can see how much you now owe your bookie.

(dribble.com)

As we mentioned earlier, it’s just to sell you stuff. Do you think all this “new” technology is making your life better? OK, altogether now, a big, emphatic NO! Of course not. It’s what keeps whatever is left of our economy moving until we can find another war. The sad part of it all is this stuff is made in China…as if we didn’t have enough issues with trade. Before long we’ll all be flying the flag of the United States of Walmart. But, it doesn’t have to be that way. Bruce and I have found a way to deal with this.

We’ve done some research and found that the new technology really isn’t any better than the old. Blu-Ray? Yeah, right – we gotcha Blu-Ray right here! That sucker’s nothing more than a DVD player with a tuning knob. And we fell for it. Not any damn longer! No! It’s just new paint on an old building. The old stuff was good and it worked, mostly.

Bruce and I are proud to announce the Grand Opening of the new F’ed Up Freddie’s Antique Tech Emporium, or just Freddie’s for those with small. impressionable children. The premise is simple and based upon the notion that “They just don’t build ’em like they used to.” And they’re right. They don’t. But, did you ever wonder what happened to all those new, unopened still boxed, never used DVD players after the Blu-Ray player came out? Bruce and I do. Through shrewd investments and an our off-shore account (Staten Island!), we’ve been buying up all this “new” merchandise and we’re now ready to pass on these incredible savings to you. It may not now be the newest technology, but hey, it works and it is new, so to speak.

Think about it. You’re not that old where you don’t want to hear some of those old scratchy 78RPM records you inherited when your great grandfather died. But the phonograph is dead. Not any more! Come on down to our Route 22 warehouse in Paramus, New Jersey and see the wide selection of RCA Victrolas. We got ’em!

(collectorsweekly.com)

Portable radios and TV’s? All makes, all colors and all styles in stock now for immediate delivery! We know there are plenty of women out there just pining for a new 8 track player to play their tapes of “Bread” again. Wait no more – we got home and car players ready for you.

Or even Neil Diamond! (ebay.com)

And it doesn’t stop there. Relive the sixties (not your age) with a transistor radio. How about a stereo with a record changer? Yeah, those were cool, especially when you stacked the records with “Bolero” strategically placed for the big make-out scene you had planned. Good times, good times.

But while we’re all getting older, it doesn’t mean we have to grow up. We can hold on to those symbols of our youth, our innocence, our disposal cash.

Freddie’s stock is complete with Walkman’s, phonographs, laser disc players, betamax players, VHS players, reel-to-reel tape decks(for the snobby afficianadoes), discmans, slide projectors, AM radios, B+W TV’s, digital audio tape decks, 8mm film projectors, radar ranges, box cameras, and so much more it’ll give you a headache. But our prices won’t! All of this merchandise is new!

Spock shilling for Magnavox! (article.wn.com)

And buying from Freddie’s helps the economy. All of this stuff had been written off already, years ago. No tax deductions from retailers, just pure, sweet American profit. Let’s get this country moving again with F’ed Freddy!

Remember F’ed Up Freddie’s slogan, “It ain’t the latest, but it was the greatest!”

This message has not been approved by the Chamber of Commerce nor the National Federation of Independent Businesses. Does that surprise you?

If you do any amount of travel or if you notice license plates from other states, you’ll probably see any number of state slogans enticing to you come visit their little piece of heaven. We’ve been to some of these places and let’s get this out right now – some of these are the furthest from the glorious hereafter you could envision. You might want to die when you get there but that would be merciful.  However, we will not identify them, but they know who we’re talking about. Don’t you?

So here is what we’ve seen – and what we suggest they might consider. We offer this free of any charge in the probable misconception that since there was no money exchanged, there can be no liability for performance. In alphabetical order and not of importance such as electoral votes, blue state-red state, we’re color blind. If we offend, we’re sorry. Not really. Oh, and some of these states are a little schizoid, having multiple slogans. Guess it depends if they’re feeling a little frisky. Points are taken off for multiple slogans.

Current slogan – then, suggested New Slogan

Alabama – Stars Fell On; Heart of Dixie; Sweet Home Alabama –  We have a group named after us.

Alaska – North to the Future; The Great Land; The Last Frontier – We got rid of her once…

Arizona – Grand Canyon State –  And you thought Goldwater was nuts!

Arkansas – The Natural State –  At Least We’re Not Mississippi!

California – The Golden State –  Vote for Maria.

Colorado – Colorful – Land of boots and honey’s.

Connecticut – Constitution State – Home of Joe Lieberman. It’s not something we’re proud of,

Delaware – The First State (Small Wonder, Diamond State) – It’s On Your Way.

DC – Nation’s Capital – Hey, you voted for these jokers!

Florida – Sunshine State – It’s early bird special all the time.

Georgia – The Peach State; …On My Mind – Home of the Ray Charles Highway.

Hawaii- Aloha State – Book ’em, Dano!

Idaho – Scenic; Vacation Wonderland; World Famous Potatoes;  – Tuber Town

Indiana – Heritage State;  Amber Waves of Grain; Crossroads of America – Gene Hackman made a movie here…once.

Iowa – The Corn State  – If it weren’t for subsidies and ethanol, we’d be Delaware.

Kansas – The Wheat State; Midway USA –  Come see the Toto museum.

Kentucky – Bluegrass State; It’s That Friendly; Unbridled Spirit – Visit our fresh horse glue museum.

Louisiana- Sportsmen’s (man”s) Paradise; Bayou State; LoUiSiAna – We really do talk this way.

Maine – Vacationland –  Your Outlet Center State.

Maryland – Drive Carefully –  Really, Drive Carefully.

Massachusetts – The Spirit of America – Liberal? Yes we are, thank you.

Michigan – Great Lakes State; Water (and sometimes Winter) Wonderland – The Original Schizoid State.

Minnesota – 10,000 Lakes; Explore – Franken and Ventura 2016!

Mississippi – The Hospitality State – Don’t Confuse Us with Arkansas!

Missouri – the Show-Me State –  Show Me Yours, I’ll Show You Mine.

Montana – Big Sky Country –  Visit Bombastic Montana

Nebraska – The Beef State; Cornhusker State –  Sooners? Sooner than what?

Nevada – The Silver State – Your credit is good with us.

New Hampshire – Live Free or Die –  Vermont, only conservatively so.

New Jersey – Garden State – Open 24 Hours.

New Mexico – Sunshine State; Land of Enchantment – Manhattan (Project) of the West.

New York – Empire State – I gotcha yer slogan right here!

N. Carolina – First in Flight – The Philip Morris State.

N. Dakota – Discover the Spirit – We were Dakota First!

Ohio – The Heart of It All; Birthplace of Aviation – Cleveland, Cincinnati – we got it all!

Oklahoma – is OK!; Native America – OK is Alright.

Oregon – Pacific Wonderland – Our State Flower is Rust.

Pennsylvania – Keystone State, You’ve Got a Friend in – What NJ would like to be.

Rhode Island – Discover; The Ocean State – Stop calling us an island, damn it!

S. Carolina – Iodine State; Smiling Faces; Beautiful Places – Just another pretty face.

S. Dakota – Great Faces; Great Places – No, You Weren’t! (See North Dakota.)

Tennessee – Volunteer State; Sounds Good to Me – Y’all want BBQ with that?

Texas – Lone Star State – Ranches, lots of ranches.

Utah – Ski Utah! – Mormons, Mitt, and Me!

Vermont – Green Mountains State – Liberal and precious to boot.

Virginia – Virginia is for Lovers – Land of Lobbyists.

Washington – Evergreen State – Almost Canada, but not as polite.

W. Virginia – Mountain State – The “Deliverance” state.

Wisconsin – America’s Dairyland – It’s like being in a Cracker Barrel everyday!

Wyoming – None – Home of the Dick Cheney Heart Transplant Museum.