Job opening.

Posted: November 14, 2012 in Blogs, People
Tags: , ,

You’ve got to keep this under your hat. but I’m about ready to give Bruce his walking papers. He’s just not pulling his weight which by the way is quite considerable. As I wrote the last time, it doesn’t seem like it’s working out. But, I can’t do this myself. Between my daytime responsibilities as a senior citizens crossing guard and part-time mercenary, my hands are pretty full. I have a full-time, unpaid position available for another to help me with this load. I’ve listed the qualifications here.

At work.

1. Must be able to construct sentences using the Ludovico Sentence Structure Construct. This consists of nouns, verbs, pronouns, adverbs, adjectives, participles, punctuation, and of course, correct spelling – no spell-check allowed. Compound sentences allowed only with poly-syllabic words.

2. All posts must use injunctive reasoning. If you do not know what this, do not bother applying.

3. No use of crayons allowed. What do you think is? Kindergarten?

4. Plagiarism is not permitted unless it actually enhances the post.

5. The use of legalese is discouraged. No “whereas’, “party of the…”, “wherefore”, “henceforth”, or anything that might be construed as a subpoena. Hell, we got enough of those already.

6. Correct use of tense and gender a must. This is not a PC blog and I don’t want it to be, ever. The goal is to call it as we see it. Tenderness is prohibited.

7. Cliches are encouraged. The more the better.

8. Check your snark index. If you border on being polite, try writing for the Christian Science Monitor. Politeness is for church, not here.

9. If you’ve won any awards or prizes for journalistic excellence, think twice about applying. This would probably end your career and I don’t want that on my hands.

10. If you’ve aspirations of moving up in this organization, then you’ve got more problems then I willing to handle. Walmart would be a better career move. Come to think of it, you would probably look good in one of those greeter’s vest.

11. If you are an illegal alien, that is in your favor since the pay is non-existent anyway.

12. Any political affiliation can be a problem. That’s just more baggage you’ll have to lose.

13. Do you have a record? If so, call…now! (This is for felonies, misdemeanors, grand theft, embezzling, etc. Any other need not apply.)

14. What is your favorite pizza top[ping? This can be a deal-breaker.

15. Are you currently under a restraining order(s)? If so, please list the name(s) of that/those person(s)? This is the kind of character reference we’re looking for. The larger the restraining order, the better your chances are to considered.

A valuable asset.

16. And finally… Is your name Bruce?

So, that’s it. Most of you reading this blog probably meet some of the qualifications already. But, I am going to be quite specific this time around. The last Bruce… well, if you’re hired, I’ll tell you over drinks. Your treat of course.

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