Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never harm me! Oh yeah?

Posted: June 25, 2012 in Children, Life

We have a bone to pick with parents who don’t give much thought to what they name their children. Or maybe the poor fools think too much. What else could explain this? This unfortunate child, who has every right to believe that the future is his (or hers if you’re going to go all feminist on us!), is now saddled with a name that will follow and torment them for the rest of their lives. Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad.

Now neither Bruce or I have any problem with what anyone’s religion may be. But as a name? It’s probably a pretty safe bet that if one’s name is Christian, then they are Christian as well. Somehow Christian Goldberg doesn’t fall trippingly off the tongue. And the idea of naming someone after their birthright religion is odd and a bit obvious, like what color is that orange you’re eating? Get it?

Precisely! (

How come one doesn’t hear as first names, the following: Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim, and Unitarian. By all rights, these should be every bit as reasonable a name as Christian. Let’s see how that would work: Jewish Carruthers – ehh!, or Hindu Holstein – no,no no!, Buddhist Stalin – yeah, right, Muslim Ortiz – sounds almost like a featherweight boxer, and Unitarian Ray Bob – enough said on this one. They just don’t work too well. But that isn’t where it stops.

What about the parents who name their children with the same first and last name? WTF is wrong with them? William William? Oh, c’mon now!

Sports stars have been changing their names for something more personal and dramatic for quite some time. Cassius Clay became Muhammed Ali. Fair enough. Lew Alcindor took Kareem Abdul Jabbar, very poetic. But Metta World Peace? Give me an effin’ break!

So of course. the great unwashed, the 99%’ers, the proletariat, mouth breathers all, have to come up with their own names. Before you go any further just think of this: would you let your auto mechanic do your heart surgery? Of course not, they’re not qualified. Neither are these parents! We will seek them out and report them to the authorities. At the risk of you losing sleep, here are some new and actual names. Pity the child!

Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K – look this up really! The questions we have is what the hell does the monogram look like?

God Shammgod – really! Just another athlete who changed his name. He plays in the International Basketball League for the Portland Chinooks. He probably changed it to this as he didn’t want to be confused with the other George Shammgod.

Uh-huh! This is what we’re talking about! (

L-a; True story – a woman named her daughter this. It’s pronounced L’Dasha!

Adam Bomb – is there any wonder crime is on the rise?

Disney Landia Rodriguez – not to be confused with Gandlandia Gurgone.

OK. Now people are thinking that drugs names may be cool. Cialis – for a girl who loves to bathe al fresco; Viagara – for a boy who likes to raise the flag at school everyday; how about Motrin? That’s nice too. Personally, we can’t wait to meet Preparation H!

If these people are really serious, then they’ll go for the formulary name of the drug, not the retail consumer version. So now, we’ll have Z-Pak instead of zithromycin. That could work well for a basketball player. How about Tamsulosin? Call ’em Tam for short. Much better than the retail name of Flomax. And it has the benefit of that it could be used either way as a nickname for a boy or girl. This really has gotten out of hand. We believe weird names promote crime. These people are desperately unhappy and have no one but their parents to blame. Thank the lord our parents named us something normal like Bruce! Neither of us have ever been tried and convicted.

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