And it ain’t just the pigs that are weird!

Posted: May 19, 2012 in People
Tags: , , ,

What do you do when your best friend blogs behind your back? It’s a tacky question and one I’ll be inquiring of my attorney about. So to get even, here’s my version of the story and I’m sticking to it!

So, Bruce and I get into the time machine and head down to the annual Memphis in May Barbeque Fest. This is a paean to all things pig, all things pork, and all things excessive. In other words, just the kind of stuff we like to comment on.

All things pork and wonderful.

Imagine if you will, acres of riverfront park given over to the wholesale worship of porcine cooking. No, it’s not the Oscar Meyer cafeteria, but there were two Wienermoibiles! Who knew there was a fleet of them? We asked if we could drag race them down Riverside to see if the red hotdog Wienermobile was faster than the everyday one, but they declined. They didn’t relish that idea (yeah, we know!) and something about there being a mustard shortage. Hmmm.

So we wandered around in search of free food and drink. Never let it be said that either Bruce is not a resourceful sort of guy. Read this as us being really cheap and wanting to score some gratis grub. What you got to know about this is that these people are very friendly but serious. They have a competition to see who has the best ribs, best pulled pork (conjures up images of…better left unsaid), best cole slaw, really. They have judges and blue ribbons and Pabst Blue Ribbon and these guys work hard at this. Almost as hard as they do partying. Almost as hard as they do coming up with their team names. Our favorite is Aporkalypse Now. I love the smell of bacon in the morning!

We were in luck. We were able to con our way into a few booths and sample the goodies. Free pig, free beans and slaw, free beer! What’s not to like? It’s all good. Some different from the set-up next door, but still good stuff. There’s nothing like seeing a pig/hog (what’s the difference?) being gutted, sewn up and stuck on a spit for its final indignity before becoming a version of Anthony Bourdain’s favorite food. Yeah, good stuff.

So, hopefully you get the picture of this swine soiree. But this has been just about the hosts and their fare. What about the guests?

Indicative of the crowd.

Without a doubt, some of the guests, no, many of the guests could qualify for being stuck on a spit. And should be. With absolutely no exaggeration, here are some of the things witnessed at this pork party. One guy, covered in many tattoos, smoking a cigarette, was driving golf balls into the Mississippi River. He was quite proud of the one he drove onto a coal carrying barge, this coughing up a small plume of coal dust when his ball struck. Hope the captain saw it and rang the emergency bell. What fun!

Then there are the attendees intent on becoming as red as the pigs over the open flames. They were succeeding. And like the aforementioned pigs, they had just a little, stress little, more clothing on them than the pig. The scary thing about many of these is that they were almost as large of the porcine roasters. This is what drives people to vegetarianism.

We walked by one team’s booth and one of the team members was flat on his back, sound asleep, lustily dreaming of pork. How do we know? Use your imagination. It wasn’t pretty. Government regulations prevent us from showing the lucky guy. Or at least he hoped he was going to get lucky later.

The decorations used by teams are worthy of any Fellini movie; Satyricon comes to mind. Gaudy, bawdy, oh lawdy, how trashy! Yeah, it is all good.

Next year, we’re going to a nun’s convention. We hear they have a lot of bad habits to kick.

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